Kairos
I was doing some Christmas shopping in Birmingham recently. I stopped by a store and sitting in the doorway was a sign that read:
"One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can."
The quote was one of author Frederick Buechner, who I had never heard of until I saw this sign. I snapped a photo of it, so that I could remember the quote and the author. I later googled Buechner and ultimately ordered a book he wrote called "The Remarkable Ordinary". I'm not one to read a lot - maybe 2 or 3 books a year. I was excited when this one arrived, so I jumped right in. One of the first chapters mentions kairos time. Meaning time in a qualitative sense, as opposed to chronos, quantitative time. Buechner, who is a Presbyterian minister who uses writing as his ministry outreach, rather than the traditional Sunday morning minister, references Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 as he describes kairos time:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
So, I mentioned all of that, to get to this:
God's will.
Was it simply God's plan for me to get a divorce? I still don't know the answer to that, but it is on my mind constantly these days. Was it my time to lose, my time to hate, my time to break down, weep, mourn? And when will it be my time for peace, laughter and dance?
In an earlier post, I mentioned that when we made the decision to relocate to Albertville in 2011, we took several risks, but things just seemed to fall into place. I always felt that we had made the right decision (and still do) because God seemed to pave a way for us. And even looking back on events in my life, there is no doubt that God paved a way. And it's as if he has paved the way for me through this terrible, awful year that 2017 has turned out to be. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that God has a hand in making things happen that we perceive as "terrible and awful" in the present moment. But there is no way that we can know what is in store for us the next day, month or year, but I can't focus on this waiting time in terms of chronos. So for now, I will try and patiently wait to see why God put me through this "terrible, awful", because I sure don't see that now. I hope to look back on this year with full clarity and understanding, but I don't know if or when that time will come. I must use the waiting time as kairos time, and live fully, not watching life from the back row.
I also hope that the boys will one day understand kairos time. I don't want them to look back on their lives one day and remember this current hell of 7 on/7 off, but remember specific things that we did together during our time. It's not the quantity, but the quality that matters. Just like the sign that greeted me in the store front said, we must choose to live fully, bravely and beautifully. So I will chose to do that, because I refuse to be a fool.
"One life on this earth is all that we get, whether it is enough or not enough, and the obvious conclusion would seem to be that at the very least we are fools if we do not live it as fully and bravely and beautifully as we can."
The quote was one of author Frederick Buechner, who I had never heard of until I saw this sign. I snapped a photo of it, so that I could remember the quote and the author. I later googled Buechner and ultimately ordered a book he wrote called "The Remarkable Ordinary". I'm not one to read a lot - maybe 2 or 3 books a year. I was excited when this one arrived, so I jumped right in. One of the first chapters mentions kairos time. Meaning time in a qualitative sense, as opposed to chronos, quantitative time. Buechner, who is a Presbyterian minister who uses writing as his ministry outreach, rather than the traditional Sunday morning minister, references Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 as he describes kairos time:
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
So, I mentioned all of that, to get to this:
God's will.
Was it simply God's plan for me to get a divorce? I still don't know the answer to that, but it is on my mind constantly these days. Was it my time to lose, my time to hate, my time to break down, weep, mourn? And when will it be my time for peace, laughter and dance?
In an earlier post, I mentioned that when we made the decision to relocate to Albertville in 2011, we took several risks, but things just seemed to fall into place. I always felt that we had made the right decision (and still do) because God seemed to pave a way for us. And even looking back on events in my life, there is no doubt that God paved a way. And it's as if he has paved the way for me through this terrible, awful year that 2017 has turned out to be. It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that God has a hand in making things happen that we perceive as "terrible and awful" in the present moment. But there is no way that we can know what is in store for us the next day, month or year, but I can't focus on this waiting time in terms of chronos. So for now, I will try and patiently wait to see why God put me through this "terrible, awful", because I sure don't see that now. I hope to look back on this year with full clarity and understanding, but I don't know if or when that time will come. I must use the waiting time as kairos time, and live fully, not watching life from the back row.
I also hope that the boys will one day understand kairos time. I don't want them to look back on their lives one day and remember this current hell of 7 on/7 off, but remember specific things that we did together during our time. It's not the quantity, but the quality that matters. Just like the sign that greeted me in the store front said, we must choose to live fully, bravely and beautifully. So I will chose to do that, because I refuse to be a fool.
Melissa, what a beautiful testimony to the strength you have deep inside you to tackle whatever comes your way! It is obvious that you are your mother’s child! Please know that your words will speak to someone who needs them even more than you can imagine. Having been through a similar journey as a mother of two, I recognize the strength and determination in the face of unimagined betrayal. You are remarkable, so remember that even in your weakest moments! It will all be set right in kairos time. Sending love! ❤️
ReplyDeleteMelissa, My heart breaks for you having to go thru this having travelled this journey myself. I am nauseous reading your posts being reminded of similar betrayal, counseling and more betrayal. My then one year old would say, "It's ok mom, don't cry. I'll wipe your tears." Jeremiah 29:11 was the scripture that helped me focus on God's plan for my life. Enjoy the precious time with your babies. Keep your eyes on your future and not what you could have or should have done. Love and hugs to you and your boys. Here's hoping you have a much happier New Year. Norma Liles
ReplyDeleteHi Melissa and Happy New Year, as a husband who has been married to my wife for 16 years and together for 20, and now having our first newborn Zion, your testimony is a lesson to me to be viligant as a husband, father and man of God for the enemy walks about seeking who he may kill and destroy. God doesn't do things to us, the enemy does, but through the blood of Jesus we have the power to overcome. God did not do this to you, Larkin did, the enemy was able to find place, But God! Will reward your testimony, your faithfulness as a mother and your efforts to sow into his people with your testimony, I read your entire blog as a man, and I am more focused then ever as a result for 2018 and beyond, Thank You for your example and this amazing testimony #Mom'srock
ReplyDelete