Christmas, New Year & Power Tools

Happy 2018! It has been awhile since I made a post and a lot has happened during that time. I survived my first Christmas as a single mom, made a post on Facebook with a little hashtag that caught a lot of attention, reached out to a stranger who is trying to survive divorce and custody details, made a decision to sell my wedding ring set, and I purchased my very own power tool (not with proceeds from the sale, LOL!)

So, I guess I’ll use this post to catch up on all of that.

I had started a post last week with details about the Christmas holiday, but it just didn’t have the right “feel”, so I decided to wait until I had the right words. So here’s try number two. The boys were in Sprott (Larkin’s home town) during the days leading up to Christmas. I had intentions of going with them, but decided that I wasn’t emotionally ready for the trip. Harriet and Courtney brought the boys to my house on Christmas Eve and we had lunch together- Mom and Bruce included. It was a good visit, but just not the same. We all tried to make it as normal as possible. But there was no way to make it “normal”. That evening, I took the boys to the Candlelight Service at church. It is one of my most favorite events of the entire year. I was emotional, but I held my own, so that was a success. 

Sometimes I get the feeling that people have no idea what to say to me. I get some odd looks, some might think “there’s that crazy girl with the blog”, some looks seem sad, some seem to say “been that done that”. I felt a little bit of that on Christmas Eve, but that’s okay. Nothing wrong with it. I get why people may not know how to react. It’s like going to a funeral visitation “I’m so sorry” seems to be the standard greeting. If you see me out and about, I will gladly accept high fives, fist bumps or other positive signs of support! Those tend to bring less teary moments! 

Anyway, back to where I was - I took the boys home and Larkin met us there. Early on, during discussions about life after divorce, Larkin and I discussed having the boys wake up in my house on Christmas morning. It wasn’t my week, but Larkin kept his word and I was thankful for that. We put the boys to bed, santa made a stop, and Larkin went home. I was so grateful that the boys were with me. The next morning, Larkin came over before the boys woke up. When they finally woke (8:00, by some sort of miracle), we headed downstairs to enjoy Christmas morning. It was tough. I had so much hate in my heart that morning. And what a terrible morning for that. It was as if I was in some continuing nightmare. My hate came from several places - the fact that we were having Christmas as a broken family, the fact that I couldn’t seem to enjoy the boys because of the hate I was feeling toward Larkin, hate for the fact that he was even there. Although pre-planned and 100% agreed upon by me. I wondered what would be worse - waking up without them on Christmas Day, or sharing the time with someone who had ripped us apart. I’m still not sure what the answer is. 

Larkin took the boys to his house for a couple of hours that morning. I was able to attend lunch with extended family. During the lunch, I received a text: “about how much longer will you be? I need to get out and about”. I now know that there was a certain visitor in town, who is not allowed to see the boys. I guess she was getting tired of having to disappear.

About 45 minutes later, I was back at my house and the boys were dropped off shortly after. As Miller gets out of the car, I’m greeted with “Mom, Santa came to dad’s house too!”UGH!!!! So much for that agreement. 

The rest of the afternoon was magical. We went to Mom and Bruce’s. Wade and family arrived shortly after. We had a wonderful time together. My aunts and some of my cousins came for dinner. I guess the afternoon made the morning worth the struggle. 

During the week after Christmas, I made a pretty bold move to reach out to the ex husband of a particular person. For anonymity, we will call him E.J.  Now, E.J. has read my blog and told me that I could add him into my stories, but to withhold his actual name. I was able to track down E.J. through our good pal, Google. E.J. works for a public agency, so an email address was not hard to come by. I had found it a few weeks ago, but was holding on to it, for fear of doing something I might later regret. But one day, as the thought of contacting him crossed my mind again, I had a peace of mind about reaching out. I quickly put an email together and pressed send before I was able to think twice. I can’t give too many details of the email, but I did let him know who I was, who I used to be married to and I asked if he would be interested in talking with me, to help me try and wrap my head around the last year of my life. I was quick to say that if he didn’t respond, that I wouldn't continue to reach out, as it was not my intention to bother him. 

Well, 10 minutes later, I got a response. “Hi Melissa, let’s chat, I’m available after 6pm EST” and his number was included. As soon as I left work, I called him. We spoke for 30 minutes or so. He shared stories of missing out on certain events with his kids and how difficult that adjustment has been. He was able to tell me some things that, although difficult to hear, have helped me through the last few weeks. He ended the conversation by letting me know that he hoped that I would find peace and be able to accept my new normal. It was nice to hear the stories of someone who has also been through such a terrible life experience, but is finding a way to keep moving forward. I hope to keep the communication line open with E.J. and add him to my support system.

If you’re reading this, could you say a prayer for him - one for strength to make it through the hard days and one for peace and reassurance that he is being the best dad he can be, given his life situation?

New Years - thankfully I had the boys during the new year holiday. It was a difficult couple of days because, just a year ago, all the conversations started that lead us to the place where we are today. I have to say, I have never before been SO READY to close the door on a year and move on to the next.  On New Year’s eve I decided to make a Facebook post recognizing what a tough year it had been. It included #RecognizingRicardo. I hesitated to do that because I hadn't publicly recognized my blog.  But looking back I’m so glad that I did. When I initially made the post I was hoping that the hashtag would be just a little reminder for those people who knew about my blog and have been close to me during this long struggle. However, it seems that my blog has been shared with several people who I had no idea knew that it existed. I have to tell you that I was blown away by some of the responses that I received. Please know that if you liked, commented, sent me a PM or text message, that your support has gotten and will continue to get me through some difficult days to come. I heard from friends from all different stages of my life. Some had absolutely no idea what had been going on some had heard rumors of my divorce and others just heard the block through word-of-mouth. I heard from friends from California, New Mexico, Texas, New York, Florida, and the list seems to keep going. I’m so glad to have heard that people are sharing my blog with others who may be going through difficult life situations as well. Whether it be a divorce or some other challenge. I had mentioned before that I started my blog as a way to heal and it has done that for me. But now I know that others are looking to it for support and I’m so grateful for that. I had the opportunity to have lunch with someone the other day who is going through a similar situation and it’s so nice just to have a friend to talk to. I’m supposed to meet up with another friend soon. She has been divorced for several years now and it’s so great to see how God has blessed her with a new husband. A former boss read the blog and is using it as a reminder to keep his family first and be a more vigilant husband and father. Wow. I’m amazed!

I usually try to keep my blog post pretty short and I think I’ve reached my limit on this one. So I guess I’ll have to have part two where I’ll write about the decision to sell my engagement ring and the purchase of my new power tool. If the suspense is killing you, it’s a leaf blower!